Masking, Burning Out, and Barely Surviving: My Reality with Mental Illness and Work

Severe mental illness is hard enough on its own.

Add a full-time job to the mix, and it feels impossible. Not to mention, I usually work overtime and multiple jobs at a time. At my last job, I was there for almost two years, which was the longest I had ever held a job.

I burn out so easily, and it is really difficult to manage keeping a job when I am constantly in a mental breakdown.

When the bad days hit

I have my good days and my bad days, but when the bad days come, they hit me like a ton of bricks.

I have panic attacks. I cry in the bathroom. If I can, I leave work.

What makes it the most difficult is that I am providing for myself, and I do not know how to hold on to a job when I cannot keep myself from falling apart.

The guilt of needing help

I hate asking my family or friends for help, but sometimes I just need it.

It makes me feel guilty and hopeless that I have been an adult for a while and still cannot provide for myself all of the time. I have lost apartments, ruined my credit, and been broke as hell more times than I can count.

The reality of dealing with bipolar disorder along with neurodivergences is that a lot of the time, I am not okay, but I have to mask and pretend I am. I have to just "suck it up" and do what feels impossible.

For me, masking means making sure I smile even when I want to cry, rehearsing what I am going to say before I say it, and hiding my stimming by tapping my finger to my thumb instead of more obvious movements.

Asking for accommodations should not be this hard

I have requested accommodations at previous jobs, but employers always claim they cannot help.

I have made simple requests, such as keeping me on specific units, or more importantly, off others. I work in healthcare and psych, so some units can be a lot harder for me to handle depending on where my mental health is.

When it all becomes too much, I either quit, get fired, or just stop showing up.

I push myself too hard sometimes, and that obviously makes the burnout worse. Then it becomes harder for me to recover, and in turn, I usually end up in the psychiatric hospital.

I do not want to paint it as all darkness

I do not want to paint it as all darkness.

I do have good periods where I function well at work and in life. But each time I burn out, it gets harder to come back from that.

At my current job, I am only allowed to call in twice in a six-month period, and that scares me. I really enjoy this job, and the pay is really good. But what if I have another breakdown and have to miss work and get fired?

I am terrified of losing everything again right when things are starting to fall into place.

What I wish employers understood

I really wish employers were more considerate of people with mental health and neurodivergent issues.

We need real accommodations, not lip service. Sometimes we just need a break without risking our jobs.

I should not have to provide a doctor's note to "prove" I am sick when my illness is mental, not physical. Mental health crises do not always happen during office hours.

I also think there should be better access to assistance for people with mental illnesses or neurodivergence when they cannot work, but also do not qualify for disability or cannot live off disability.

Closing note

I am not writing this because I have all the answers.

I am writing this because I know I am not the only person trying to survive work, bills, mental illness, neurodivergence, burnout, and the pressure to act like everything is fine.

If you relate to this, I hope you know you are not lazy. You are not weak. You are not failing because you need help, accommodations, rest, or a way to survive that actually makes sense for your mind.

Sometimes barely surviving is the truth.

And the truth deserves to be heard.

Gentle next steps

• If this sounds like you: Give yourself permission to name what is happening without blaming yourself for it.
• If you are an employer: Listen when someone says they need accommodations. Do not wait until they are in crisis.
• If you want to share your story: Reach out through Neurokind's contact page to contribute, connect, or help build a kinder space for neurodivergent people and people living with mental illness.